S. Quinlan. The Early Chronicles: They Did It.

The Early Chronicles is a place to find my earlier work, some of the best comedy has always come from low pressure pieces I assured myself no one would ever see... until now...

I wrote this script during my second year of university and have thoroughly enjoyed playing the different parts with my boyfriend. When you read it, I emplore you try to replicate the voices in your head, it really does add the comedy.

The piece is about the beginning of COVID, and... well.. you'll see all that...

They Did It.

They did it.

By S. Quinlan.

Act 1

Scene 1

Two cats live on the same street but in different houses. In their separate houses they both notice a light coming from a desk. The cats know each other and are somewhat friendly but have not seen each other since the pandemic started as both owners opted to keep the cats inside. The owners are also friends, and whilst smoking marijuana together on a zoom call, they die, suspectedly of Covid, their coughs brought on by excessive smoking. The two cats are second hand high because of this and wind up finding the computers.

MAJESTY

(Walking toward the computer) Meow… meow…

SID

(Also walking to his computer) Meow?

MAJESTY

Meowwww… (Clears throat) Yo Sprinkles! That ain’t you boy? Cat hasn’t seen you in timmeeeeeee.

SID

Excuse me Majesty, I have told you a thousand times, my name is Lord Darth Sideos Lancaster The First, or Sid to my friends, which you were…

MAJESTY

Was?! Nah mate, Cats your bestie, you know it my C, so what’s this about cats’ ends being locked now? You know, the small in and outs? Cat walked into his three times yesterday, feel like cats got a flat nose still. (he rubs his nose viciously with his paw)

SID

(Smirking) Well of course you did, you’re all fluff, (cockily) there’s no instinct! No… pizzazz! I mean, I bet out of all nine lives, you’ve got half of one left (he laughs uproariously).

MAJESTY

Erm… shuttup blud! You know cat lost those 8 and a half lives to (with rolled R’s) rrrrrrona-virus, I coughed up so many drip-balls Steve made a second cat out of em’! Speaking of Steve, how’s Lord Douche-muffin?

SID

You know it’s Lord Duncuffin, that’s very rude, and well, it appears he fell asleep whilst computer talking with Steve.

MAJESTY

Cat thinks it was those cough sticks they breathe still, anyway, you know Lord Dick-oven wants Cat still yeah.

SID

I beg your pardon.

MAJESTY

(Innocently) Nothing. Yooo bro, do you feel dizzy C?

SID

A little light-headed, I suppose, yes, maybe slightly nauseated, but I thought that was due to my… present predicament…

MAJESTY

(He kisses his teeth) What? Cat don’t get you fam still.

SID

(Annoyed) fine! To speak plainly, say less my C (whispering) you buffoon still…

MAJESTY

AYYYYYY! Cat knew you’d come round. Innit bruv, your eyes are looking hella bad, you know what cats sayin’ still? (kisses teeth)

SID

Oh no... I understood that one! You don’t think we’ve inhaled those sticks the humans were using do you? Oh yes… I feel weaker, I have definitely lost some intuition… oh god! What if I'm afraid of birds now?! Maj! What if I'm afraid of the birds...? Maj?

Majesty is looking out of a nearby window intently, ignoring Sid and gently flicking his tail.

SID

(Shouting) MAJESTY! WAKE UP YOU FOOL!

MAJESTY

(Still ignoring Sid and addressing something outside the window) Big Cat said Come here you dusty Ute… (he licks his lips and puts his paw to the window)

A seagull hops up to the window and both Sid and Majesty stare wistfully, ears pricked. The seagull pecks the window and flies away.

SID

Mmmm meals that can fly right into your mouth… mmmm, Majesty, don’t you miss those?

MAJESTY

(Still distracted by the window) Say less bro… erm... Cat erm… (snaps back and looks at Sid) nah nah nah, Cats got it! Cats figured it out and that, it was the seagullsss, yeah?

SID

You’re both boring, and slightly scaring me, please proceed to tell me your meaning, hastily! I’ll give you around 10 seconds to pique my interest. (he turns his head to the side, so his ear is closer to the camera, but he looks disinterested).

MAJESTY

Rahhh… Right so, you know how seagulls are mad, dutty, disgusting and diseased tings yeah? And you know how this pandemic gets spread by dem germ tings yeah?

SID

(Looking slightly toward the camera now) I may feel fuzzy, but are you starting to actually… make less sense! Ugh how did we ever get along.

MAJESTY

Shuttup blud! Cat said you’re being hella clapped you know that still? Cats trying to tell you… seagulls created that pandemic ting innit!

Cat eats seagull. Seagulls hate Cat.

Seagulls spread germs to humans, smoke em’, stop Cat having free food and that! C’mon you must’ve noticed the humans have been sleeping for bear time! I sat on Steve’s face before, and he didn’t even move! Cat bets you he’s clapped innit, got that rona ting yeah?

SID

(Slowly)I think… I think… I think I just lost brain cells listening to that ignorant complete belligerence toward general grammar! (he rolls his eyes) Whatever happened to connectives, or adjectives? Hell! I miss simple compound sentencing!

Majesty starts to look down and fiddles with something unseen, seeming disheartened.

SID

I did enjoy the concept that seagulls created this incessant ‘cuddling’ fiasco! The good Lord and Lady Duncuffin haven’t let me outside in months! They say (in posh female like voice) ‘oh but what if he goes wandering again? We simply can’t go after him, and I won’t lose him again Frederick! I won’t!’ (he smiles a little and then starts more seriously) I can’t abide by this much longer!

MAJESTY

Big cat knows times have been hard C, Cat hasn’t tasted fresh flesh in a hot second blud, believe me when I say dem dusty Utes have it comin’ yeah?

SID

Wait wait wait wait… are you sayin’ we're gonna bust out? Smoke dem clapped gulls?

MAJESTY

(Clears throat and continues in a posh voice, smiling) Yes Lord Sid, Cat is sayin’ that. Wake up Deadcockin and meet me by my ends.

SID

Don’t make fun… it was a temporary lapse... And ‘Deadcockin’ is your worst one yet! But might actually be accurate, his Lordship won’t move!! He may... Actually, be dead!

MAJESTY

Cats just tried whacking Steve and he hasn’t even blinked yet! You don’t think the gulls heard us and smoked ‘em do you?

SID

That’s exactly what happened you dust… (he shakes his head) you idiot, the plan commences, we shall avenge the humans! (he raises his paw victoriously) REVENGE SHALL BE MINEEE!!!

MAJESTY

(Licking his paw almost seductively) and seagulls... will be cats. (he smirks and winks whilst turning away sassily)

The screens and lights fade, and the curtains drop for a time before revealing the two cats standing by a fountain.

ACT 1

Scene 2

The curtain rises on Sid and Majesty in exactly the same positions, having not moved as if frozen in time when the curtain is down.

SID

(Staring somewhat menacingly into the screen) Hmmm. Mmmmm. (Mumbling) I think I was supposed to be going somewhere…

MAJESTY

Sidddddd, my C!

SID

(Slowly) Maj…? I… Maj… oh... I seem to have completely forgotten what I was going to say to you…

MAJESTY

(Copying Sid’s voice) Majesty, I forget, were we going to do something?

SID

Majesty? I thought you were Majesty, aren’t I Sid?

MAJESTY

(Continuing with Sids voice) No no, you’re… oh... (losing train of thought and suddenly staring off into the distance as if something has caught his eye) maybe I amm…

(back to normal Majesty voice, stumbling) S, s, s, s, s, s, s, (snaps head back to the screen) seeeeee, C! SEE! THE! SEAGULL! STILL!

SID

(As close to Majesty’s voice as possible) Blad, you’re clapped. You dusty ute there ain’t no… (in posh tone again) oh, I see it C, flying trash bag, germ infested rat with wings, opposite penguin without the flippidy feet, feathered crAP VACUUMS!!

MAJESTY

(Confidently) Big Cat ting, parred em, Chewy tiny vultures, wastegull dusty… (slowly) what we sayin’ again big cat?

SID

We were talking about the human’s you imbecile! About how the cough sticks killed them, then you sat on Steve’s face and… --

MAJESTY

-- Bruv… Cat said that was hours ago! Dem seagull tings smoked em’ I is tellin’ ya!

SID

(With gusto) Oh lord in heaven have mercy! We must seek revenge! What is left of the old Cathood?

MAJESTY

Nowwww Big Cat is talkin’ C! Say less, lemme get on to them furry brudders. Dees seagulls are cooked still (winks).

SID

Oh no no, I much prefer them fresh! They lose too much juice when cooked, and they’re farrr too chewy!

Majesty rolls his eyes dramatically as the curtain drops.

ACT 2

SCENE 1

The curtain rises on Majesty running back onto the stage/screen. Both screens are now hazy with smoke and the cats are struggling to focus under the influence.

MAJESTY

C! The Catdem linked me ye—

SID

--Huh? (excitedly) Majj? Where’d you go my pearly, blue eyed bastard!

MAJESTY

(Confused) Yo Cat...? Big Cat said I… have no clue what I was gonna say! What you sayin’ still?

SID

Ermm did we convene the fur-hood? I seem to recall an emergency, but I don’t quite remember the premise, those fluffy fools might know, did we call them to ask what the problem was?

MAJESTY

(Excitedly) That’s it Big Cat! Dem clapped pink nosed waste-cat’s. Cat said they called me a pebbler and said that—

SID

-- What the hell is a pebbler?

MAJESTY

Big Cat said something to do with bein’ pebbled C, it’s a human sayin’ yeah, the council of cocks—

SID

-- (Coughs and mumbles) Cats. (Coughs)

MAJESTY

(Dismissively) Whatever. The waste-cats sayin’ dem cough sticks make us (using fingers for air quotes) “high” forever now still. Apparently pebblers see tings and yeah… we ain’t real or summin’.

SID

I’ll have you know that I am as real as—

MAJESTY

-- (Frustratedly) Fine! (in air quotes, mockingly in Sid’s voice) “Trustworthy” they don’t believe us C! Cats sayin’ they parred us still!

SID

Who did?

MAJESTY

Who did what Big Cat?

SID

I tell you Maj… I’m feeling mightily fuzzy, do you think we caught that virus? (slowly as if upset) The one that… you know… (angrily) only went and murdered the damn feeders!!

MAJESTY

(waving hands) Nah nah nah nah nah nah, Cat said we’re pebbled still! The dusty ute’s leaving Cat to drop these clapped gulls innit fam.

SID

(seemingly bored) I think the term is ‘stoned-ded’, The late Lord Duncuffin would ask the interrogative of Steve almost every night.

MAJESTY

Big Cat said you’re missing the point C! We ain’t got no help, no backup, we’re alone Cat, you know what I’m sayin’ still yeah?

SID

(Slowly and thoughtfully) Oh… oh yes, I see… I suppose our only option is to seek revenge ourselves and die trying.

MAJESTY

Big Cat said you are mental C! nah nah nah nah nah, we ain’t gonna fuckin’ die over this! We has weapons and shit yeah, we has clawwws and (licking canine) teeth yeah (kissing teeth) we’re gonna be fineeee (waving hand dismissively)

SID

Of course, you’d think that! You’re all fluff, remember? No instinct whatsoever, and shouldn’t you be more worried having only half a life left?

MAJESTY

Psshhhh, say less my C, Cats got this sorted meet me by my ends, and don’t forget this time waste-cat! (snorting)

SID

(Sarcastically) Ah ha ha ha! Fine, I’ll be there. But Maj, you better not be late!

MAJESTY

Shuttup blud! It’s gonna be fine C, Big Cat said stop worrying so much still yeah.

The curtain drops on the two cats preparing to leave.

ACT 2

SCENE 2

The curtain rises on Majesty on the ground at the fountain toward the left of the stage, Sid comes from the left wing and doesn’t appear to notice the body.

SID

(Annoyed and to himself) I bloody well told him not to be late! I tell you, that cat is going to end up… (he stops in his tracks and stares at the fountain in shock)

It is a couple of seconds before Sid becomes un-paralysed by the shock. He reaches down towards what appears to be the body of Majesty.

Majesty is covered in scratches and looks as if he is dead.

SID

(slowly, getting faster as the speech continues) Oh god! Oh my god (he looks up to the sky) WHY? HOW COULD YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?

He was… my friend…

A tear drops from Sid’s face, and then contorts into anger and anguish as a Seagull walks out from the right wing (behind Majesty’s body) smiles menacingly/knowingly, and disappears again.

Sid shakes his head in disbelief before turning his attention back to Majesty.

SID

So, they got too huh? (weeping silently) I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you… I never hated you, you were just annoying, you know?

(Desperately) Oh god! What do I do now without you? I can’t even return home! I’ve forgotten how they speak, how to speak like them… (with a small smile) you.. you made me forget.

(with more confidence) well! I shan’t forget you old friend, what was it? 15 years we lived on this road, hunting together, messing with the humans… Did you know that you taught me how to play jokes? (smiling again) and what jokes were to be honest with you..

Man!

I’m gonna… (starts crying) I’m gonna miss you buddy!

Fuck.. okay.. I’ve got to go and.. (loudly) avenge you! I will avenge you along with Steve and Lord “Dick-muffin” (he turns his face away as if in shame and wipes his face, returning with another small smile)

Fuck! Okay! I guess errr… sleep well my friend, and goodbye, Big.. Cat…

Sid starts to walk away before turning around for one last look at Majesty’s lifeless body.

SID

I, um, I love you still, yeah?

Sid moves to leave one last time before noticing a gigantic shadow has been cast over him.

SEAGULL QUEEN

(Speaking with authority, in a breathy British accent, with sass) Well, wasn’t that… (as if disgusted) touching.

Do you miss you’re, little friend do you?

I must say, he was sooo easy to (mockingly) “drop” or “smoke” or whatever that immobile used to say, it was boring really, I thought I might actually have a fight on my hands, but no, one little flick and the boy went tumbling!

Amusing, just as I assume you will be—

SID

(Calculated and aloof) -- I’m sorry, am I supposed to know who you are?

SEAGULL QUEEN

Pa- ha! Already with the games just like your ‘late’ furry fool.

I am the Queen you idiot, I rule over so called (using air quotes) “rodents”, and protect them from evil like you—

SID

--(Making snoring noises before jumping his head up as if he’d just fallen asleep) (bored) uh huh. Any around? I am feeling a little peckish. (producing a weapon)

SEAGULL QUEEN

Balls, I like that. More than that (gesturing to Majesty’s body) ever had.

SID

(Angrily) THAT?

That, was the greatest cat I’ve ever known, and even in death his is more than you will ever be, now face me you (looking upwards towards the Seagulls trying to hide his intimidation) gigantic flappy rat. (spitting on the Seagulls feet)

The seagulls swipes at Sid and he jumps out of the way before being knocked to one side by the Seagulls other wing.

Sid raises his head gently to find the Seagull, but sees Majesty’s body once more, giving him strength. He rises and stumbles towards the Seagull.

SID

(Rising slowly off the ground more with each line) You pathetic oath. You snivelling buffoon. You worthless waste of air, I’ll kill you, slowly, I’d like to watch the life drain from those pits in your skull.

Seagull Queen, obviously agitated now, fights with Sid for a few minutes longer before once again Sid is thrown to one side.

SEAGULL QUEEN

I’ve had enough of this game now.

(snidely, smirking) Come here, let me take away your pain.

SID

Sure thing, it’s time someone taught you a lesson you… you… soulless… (pausing for a second, then excitedly) WASTE-CAT

MAJESTY

(weakly) nice one Big Cat, but he’s a waste-gull still.

Sid jumps around in shock and greets Majesty with a grin and a tear.

The Seagull Queen goes for Sid whilst his back is turned.

MAJESTY

OI! Cat said you need takin’ down a peg fam, imma drop you so hard and then lick whatever pretty pink mush is left in that crushed up skull of yours.

Come at me, I dares ya.

Sid and Majesty launch together at the Seagull Queen and a fight ensues before Majesty tears the Seagulls throat, and they all fall in a heap of exhaustion and triumph.

SEAGULL QUEEN

(coughing and dying) How… how did you? Oh forget it, at least you’ll never stop the virus, all the humans will be gone within a matter of days—

MAJESTY

--PAH! Big Cat said Cats gonna smoke all dem gulls, and you ain’t gonna do a ting about it fam! You’re over Gull, just die already so I can start eatin’ your brethren still.

SID

Mmmmm, I’m going to enjoy sucking the meat off of everyone you know and love—

SEAGULL QUEEN

-- (Coughing loudly) stop! Stop it! There’s no one to protect them now.. You must help save them—

MAJESTY

(Cockily) -- Nuuopee!

Byeeeee.

The pair laugh together as they walk away.

MAJESTY

So.. you love me yeah?

SID

(As if Majesty never spoke) What do you wanna have for dinner?

They laugh loudly and lean to each other as the curtain drops.

I remember having the most amount of fun writing and doing the research for this. Their is a really loveable freedom about zoomorphising (giving animals human qualities) animals, and the ability to play with their language was especially enjoyable, and when reading it back, I think you can feel a sense of that enjoyment.

I think we might see Majesty and Sid again sometime soon, I do not believe they are done causing havoc just yet :)